This, to me, is a strong message. Just think, we hear it all the time, 'love yourself', right? We hear a lot how loving ourselves is the most important, most beneficial thing we can do. But what we don’t hear, or fail to understand, is how. What is 'self love' anyways? What does it mean to practice it? How do we begin to do so? All these re the question that we are trying to figure it out.
To me 'self love' is having a relationship with yourself that has compassion, kindness, patience, tolerance, and curiosity. It does not mean that you are so nice to yourself that you never take accountability or responsibility for mistakes you made ;) Yes. 'Self love' is about giving yourself grace and forgiveness when you inevitably make mistakes. It doesn’t mean that you are arrogant, or even worse, like a narcissist (God no!). It is about believing in yourself and trusting yourself and your intentions.
'the relationship you have with yourself is the only truly life long relationship, and 'self love' is the most important love of your life.'
1. Self love is important (you either want it or you don't). Let's have a look why?
- Because you can’t share healthy love with others until you love yourself. You may feel love for others, but you may not be able to express it without fear. You may love others and want to relate to them but struggle to receive healthy love if you don’t love yourself first. The exchange of love in a healthy relationship requires concrete self-love. Period.
- Because you can’t pour from an empty cup. Think of the effort it takes to give love and affection, be emotionally available, or be thoughtful. If you don’t have reserves of self-love inside, your ability to give love will be diminished.
- Because self-love heals past trauma and wounds. Many of us have been through trials in our lives that impacted our mental health, our sense of self, our outlook, and our world view. Often, traumas leave us feeling as though we are worth less than we were before the incident. Cultivating our sense of self-love to come from internal and not external sources allows us to move beyond negative past experiences.
- Because once you have self-love, you can set better, healthier, more authentic goals for yourself. How many times have you set a goal for yourself that was rooted in negativity, such as hating the way your body looked, or feeling powerless at work, or feeling like a 'failure' in a hobby or passion? When we love ourselves, we no longer seek to 'fix' ourselves with unreasonable standards but instead seek to nourish ourselves. We have more accurate knowledge of our worth and our skills and can adjudicate what would be most beneficial to strive toward.
- Because you are deserving of the love you give so freely to others. This statement needs no explanation.
'you are worthy, just as you are, of love.'
2. Have respect for yourself
Self-love involves having the respect and consideration for yourself that you have for (and expect to receive from) others. It should be simple and straightforward, the idea that we treat ourselves at least as well as we treat the people in our lives, but sometimes, it is not. Occasionally, we get hung up or stuck on the idea of how self-love should look or our sense of worth. We want to self-love, but we struggle to do so.
Remember, there will always be moments when something will get in the way of self-love, but it is you, that is responsible to change that and twist this around. But first, do not fail in your high expectations. Adjust. Adapt.
Below I share things I do and practice and can be quite a 'game changer' on many levels, but as I said, be reasonable at all times.
- Self love above all
You might think that you will be unable to provide yourself with self-care until you are a professional at self-live, but this is not the case. Acts of self-care inform your mindset, the way actions that lead to behaviours always do. You may think that self-care is 'a spa day' or involves being selfish, but that is not true either. Self-care is simply any action that is taken with the intent of meeting your needs, whether they’re physical or emotional. It is not selfish to practice self-care because it brings the best version of you to the world. You cannot pour from an empty cup. You need to learn to fill up your cup. So it's a simple as that, if you are not well, nothing and no one around you will be well. Remember this!
- Talk to yourself the way you talk to someone you love
Think of the things you say to yourself when you are frustrated, upset, or embarrassed. Now imagine saying those things to a loved one like a friend, partner, or family member. Would you? Now imagine that friend, partner, or family member is sitting opposite you, saying those negative things about him, her, themself. How would you respond? Pause and think. This, to me, is a powerful tool because it works on more than one level.
- Boundaries and self-advocate
One of the best ways to grow our self-love is to be able to self-advocate. In standing firm in and expressing our needs, we provide ourselves with care and respect. Setting boundaries with ourselves and others is a great way to communicate and strive for our needs. Boundaries start with identifying what they are and then asserting them. The process of identification affirms our worth of having them in the first place; it is through knowledge of our worth that we nurture the support and compassion we deserve to give to ourselves. Taking the time and making an effort to stick to our boundaries is ongoing self-care. When we set boundaries, we define our values and clarify our goals; we know what is important, and we know ourselves well enough to be realistic about our purpose.
There are some other things to be addressed too, but sure this will be enough for now.
Remember, self-love doesn’t mean that you are perfectly content to be alone. Self-love allows your inner peace with your thoughts. And our thoughts and feelings about ourselves won’t always be glowing and joyful, but the work we do to have kindness and compassion for ourselves is immeasurably beneficial.
Love yourself first and see what happens. It is you, the love of your life.
Until next time, S.
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